Train-Riding Etiquette for Beginners

There's nothing more relaxing than a quiet hour spent reading a good book in the nearly empty coach of a train passing through the English countryside, listening to the dull rattle of the train moving over the tracks or the rain splashing on the windows. I have really come to enjoy train-riding here. A majority of the time the experience is thoroughly enjoyable and the journey passes quickly. However, after visiting London on several train trips over the past few months, I have a few simple requests for all my fellow train-riders:

1. Please preserve the peace & quiet that others are enjoying around you, especially if you choose to sit in one of the "Quiet Zones" that are now available on many trains. If you are in a Quiet Zone, that means no talking on your mobile or to other passengers, listening to music on your iPod (see # 6 below), or even sending text messages on your mobile or Blackberry unless the tones are turned off on your keypad and the new message alert is silenced. If you choose to talk in other areas of the train, please keep the volume to a whisper and the conversation length to a minimum. Your life is not that interesting. Funnily enough, I haven't heard any loud Americans on the train in England yet, but there does seem to be a corresponding increase between the volume of non-English speakers and the distance from England of that language's origin (i.e., French, Germans and Spaniards are on the quieter end of the scale, but things get louder as you move towards the Russian, Arab, Chinese and African dialects).

2. If a woman is travelling alone and carrying 3 or 4 huge bags (especially on the Tube), you should definitely offer her your seat or at least a place to stand where she can set the bags down during transit without causing severe trauma to the feet of her fellow travelers.

3. When there are signs posted in narrow passageways or stairwells in train or Tube stations asking travelers to "KEEP LEFT" to allow movement in both directions, if you choose to ignore said signs, you immediately lose the right to protest when travelers traveling in the correct manner whack into you as they pass or shove you out of their way. They are rushing to get on the train platform as much as you are rushing to get off of it.

4. Bringing hot french fries onto the train at any time is a definite sin. It is completely disrespectful of all dieters on the train and may cause more than 1 rider to 'fall off the wagon' and rush into the nearest McDonalds in shame upon exiting at their destination.

5. Do not travel on the Tube at rush hour unless you are willing to be a human sardine and will not complain about it or attempt to prevent it. If there are 2 inches of space left in your car, surely you can fit at least four more people in.

6. If you insist on listening to your iPod or music player at full volume, please invest in a good pair of in-ear earphone buds or Bose-type silencing headphones that prevent your music from being shared with the entire coach full of train travelers. Just because you are enjoying your new playlist, doesn't mean we want it to be the soundtrack to our day.

7. If you intend to use the lavatory while traveling on the train, it is best not to travel with a group of your drunken friends on a stag do (i.e., bachelor party). These types are known for opening the door to the toilet while you are taking a leak and attempting to expose your modesty to every hapless woman traveler passing through the corridor. You are also not likely to leave the bathroom without a puddle on the floor, which will not likely be a welcome sight to the next toilet seeker.

Bon voyage!